Walking: It's Harder Than It Seems

Last time around, I discussed the finer points of automotive operation and ways to improve your driving experience. This time, I am going to tackle an issue that is far more dangerous…or at least, annoying: walking.

Since the dawn of man, walking, in some way or another, has been the most common mode of getting from Point A to Point B. Even before the wheel, man was able to propel himself across vast distances by simply using the equipment that he had factory installed.

However, it seems that among modern homo-sapiens, an overwhelming majority of the finer points of this common practice have been lost. So, it is with this in mind that I present you with: Walking: It’s Harder Than It Seems.

Part 1: Where To Walk

When operating a car, driving on the proper side of the road is an absolute must. It not only keeps you safe, but allows for maximum roadway efficiency. When these simple rules are not followed, inefficiency rears its ugly head. The same can be said for walking.

In short: ALWAYS walk on the right. That is to say, your left shoulder should be the shoulder that is closer to the people walking in the opposite direction. If you are not sure which is your right side, ask someone; they’ll appreciate your desire and proactive steps to walk in a proper manner.

Part 2: Pace and Place

It is quite understandable that some people will walk with greater speed (purpose) than others. However, much like traffic on the road, (again, my piece on automotive safety can be used as a reference here) there is a proper place for bipeds with a slower gait.

A safe practice is, “No flight? Stay right.” On the road, slower (less efficient) drivers are encouraged to cower in the right-most lanes of traffic. This practice translates perfectly among pedestrians. If you are simply strolling for no real reason whatsoever, kindly stay to the right of walking surfaces so that those with an actual purpose are not hindered.

NOTE: The terms “left” and “right” are, in fact, relative to the direction in which you are walking.

Special Safety Note: Group Walking
Many people enjoy walking whilst in the company of others. This may seem like a harmless activity, but it can pose great danger on the walkways of the world.

When walking with another person, one must be conscious of how much of the walkway they, as a group, are occupying. Many pedestrians get rather frustrated when an entire walkway is being “blocked” by a group of inefficient walkers. As a safe practice, keep in mind that once you are more than 2 people wide (on a majority of walkways), you are potentially blocking the “high speed” walking areas.

Part 3: Dangerous Walking Practices

As you have no doubt realized, walking is a far more involved process than you may think. It can, of course, cause great dangers as well.

Danger 1: The Mid-Walk Stop

Whilst our in the world, you may pass by something of interest, receive a phone call, need something from your pocket, or a host of other phenomena. An abrupt stop can cause serious injury to both you as well as other humans utilizing the walkway. This is especially a danger in crowded areas as well as in areas where the general walking speed is higher than normal. Sudden stops in walking can lead to multi-person accidents and you will be given dirty looks and labeled as a “bad walker.” So, if you find the need to stop whilst walking, do yourself a favor and check your surroundings before ceasing motion.

NOTE: EXTREME caution must be taken if your mid-walk stop also contains a change in direction!

Danger 2: Flailing Appendages

When you board a roller-coaster (I hate them), you are instructed to keep your arms and other body parts inside the car. When you were young, you were told to keep your hands (and feet) to yourself. The same rings true when walking…watch for flailing appendages! They can cause SERIOUS injury!

Part 3-2a: The Friend
Let’s say you’re out walking in a shopping mall, abiding by all that we have learned thus far. Suddenly, you see a friend that you haven’t seen in months, weeks, days. You wave, perhaps adjust your direction, or even stop suddenly. Ignoring the latter two items (as they have been previously addressed), that innocent wave can be quite dangerous. I will liken it to changing lanes without checking your side mirrors. If you just throw caution to the wind and wave, you risk hitting an innocent co-walker who may be attempting to pass you. So, before waving, be sure you take a gander over your shoulder…you may save someone an unwanted nose job!

Part 3-2b: Lover’s Rock
For whatever reason, many couples enjoy holding hands as they traverse public spaces. This in itself is nothing of great concern. However, quite frequently, this simple embrace of fingers can, somehow, obtain a gravity all its own. The conjoined hands begin to rock back and forth, picking up speed and increasing the range of motion. Many severe injuries have been documented by people who were unexpectedly struck by an out of control “lover’s rock.” So, to all you “touchy feelies” out there, LOOK OUT!

Appendix A: Did You Know You’re Supposed To Walk Here?

There are a handful of instances where it seems, people forget that they are supposed to continue the walking motion that we have discussed. This can lead to a host of problems to other walkers as well as being potentially hazardous to said stopped walker.

Improper Walking Area 1: The Escalator.
Electricity was such an amazing discovery. It has enabled man to achieve feats beyond the furthest dreams of early cro-magnon. It has helped us explore new planets, cure deadly diseases, steal music, and cook food in a fraction of the time that it took over a fire. It has also enabled us to become incredibly lazy. Enter, the escalator.

Until the mid-1900’s, man was able to navigate multi-level structures with the aid of raised boards that are traditionally called stairs. With a small bit of physical prowess, one could summit floors or great height due to this amazing invention.

Then, someone thought, “What if the STAIRS moved, and I stayed motionless???”

Mall shoppers across the globe rejoiced.

Now, a HUGELY lazy past time (shopping) could enable people to be EVEN LAZIER!!

Nowadays, people step onto the escalator, breathe in a sigh of relaxation, and let these moving stairs escort them to another level.

Well, dear readers, I’ve got a message for you: W-A-L-K!!!!!!!!!!!

There are few things that frustrate me more than people who stand on the escalator (some of them are ignorance, pitch corrected vocal tracks, and missing the green mushroom on level 1-2). It’s not moving that slow so that you can have a leisurely view of the mall; it’s moving that slow so that you can achieve maximum speed without falling over. WALK UP (or down) THE DAMN ESCALATOR!!

…or at least have the courtesy to step to the side so that those of us who have things to do can pass with ease…lazy bastards!!

NOTE: This is also true with the ever-enchanting “moving sidewalk” which is most commonly found at airports.

Improper Walking Area 2: The Street
First off, if you are walking in an area where there are no sidewalks, kindly skip the next paragraph.

Sidewalks, let’s explore that word, shall we? SIDE-WALK. As in, it’s on the SIDE of the road, so you can WALK there! Streets are for cars, sidewalks are for WALKING. I understand that occasionally, there are uneven sidewalks. However, I assure you that with concentration, you can surely traverse even the most sharply angled sidewalk surfaces.

When you enter the street, or roadway, to walk, not only are you endangering yourself, but instantly annoying drivers…and angry drivers are bad drivers. Even if you are “hugging the curb,” many drivers are overly paranoid and will move their vehicle to the center of the road to avoid you. This can cause a host of problems for other drivers.

So please, walk on the damn sidewalk…many hours of labor were put into cementing and maintaining the sidewalk…when you walk in the street, it makes the sidewalk feel unwanted and unloved. Have a heart!




So, fair reader, I hope that, as always, you will take these lessons and pointers with the utmost seriousness. Walking is not a laughing matter. Walking is serious business and walking improperly supports terrorism and is a serious threat to national security!

Nah, not really…but poor walking REALLY pisses me (and most other people) off!