Consider the fact that in the last 60 years, we’ve set ourselves apart from the rest of the history of humanity in the fact that we are now able to complete obliterate human existence as we know it (thanks, nuclear weapons! Oh, and that’s NU-CLEE-UR, Mrs. Palin.)
It is with this in mind that I will bestow upon you MY solutions to some of the more pressing problems on our planet. While some may seem trite and some may seem a bit harsh, it doesn’t mean that they wouldn’t work.
Problem One: Global Warming
Perhaps the most hyped problem we, as a planet, currently face is that of global warming. Although a handful of science-type people have claimed over the past few days that we are now going to get a “break” from global warming until 2015ish, I haven’t seen much tangible evidence to support their claim.Al Gore did a wonderful job of lulling people to sleep with An Inconvenient Truth and since then, global warming has held its place as a “hot button” issue. As usual, most countries found a “solution” and then, predictably overdid it. Yes, moving away from petroleum-based fuels will help…but when you put such a premium on corn, you screw up two other things. First off, the price of corn, a staple food across the globe, has skyrocketed, making it more difficult for poor people to afford. Secondly, with all of the forests that have been gutted to make more space to grow corn, it has actually done more environmental damage than the automotive emissions! And yes, “carbon credits” are about the dumbest idea since The Godfather III.
SOLUTIONS:
-First off, get a freakin’ bike, fatty! Bikes are fun…you can TOTALLY put pegs on ‘em and…ummm….bikepool to work! But please remember, “biker shorts” are only meant for a privileged few…
-Electric cars. If you think they’re “impossible,” you’re wrong. The reality is, while here in the US, auto/oil companies keep us locked into petroleum based fuels, countries such as The Netherlands, Germany, and Israel are looking to nationwide electric car swaps….check out http://www.betterplace.com for more information.
-Phish theory:
Sure, it’s a bit of a stretch (not to mention an excuse to mention Phish), but the REALITY is, as it is written, “…it’s alright this happened once before…” The FACT is, the Earth’s climate goes through phases about every 1500 years…SCIENCE PROVES IT…so relax…
El problema dos: Terrorism
FOX News (AKA Poormans’ Comedy Central) and a majority of the Bush Administration would have you believe that the reason that there have been no domestic terror attacks since 9/11 (let’s ignore that silly anthrax mail thing) is simply because The Department of Homeland Security is doing their job so darn well. However, back in a little place I like to call Realityland (I go there on vacation, but do my best not to be a resident), one can find the FACT that domestic terror incidents have stayed at a surprisingly predictable level since the early 1940’s. Let us not forget that the attacks of my 22nd birthday were not exactly the first time there has been an incident on US soil…it was just a bit larger in scale…and CNN was there…and the front page news at the time was becoming a bit too chipper for the tastes of the mass media outlets…Building on this thought, anyone with half a brain can understand that going after any country that has “beef” with the US isn’t exactly going to curb the issue. Whether it be Syria, North Korea, or the ever maligned Iran, it seems that the US Government is more apt to “throw down” than a drunken frat boy on a Friday night.
SOLUTION:
The world needs a valium…seriously. I will try not to put my 2 fingers in the air and start singing “I Want To Take You Higher” (if you missed that reference, check out Sly Stone’s performance at Woodstock) but, as the “Global Economy” becomes more of a reality, we, as a planet, need to stop the petty crap. As has been proven by the past few months on economic downturn in the US, when one country suffers, the world is as well.
On a domestic front, perhaps if we were able to get a more rational (read as “smarter”) person in the nations’ highest office, things would turn themselves around…
Letter Three: The Dumbing Of America
Case in point, the lovely “National Stay At Home Week” campaign that one of the large TV broadcasters ran (I really don’t remember if it was CBS, NBC, or ABC.) I mean really, do we truly need to give Americans ANOTHER reason to sit in front of the television? TV makes you dumb; it’s that easy. (Please note, shows such as Doctor Who, No Reservations, and SportsCenter are exceptions to this rule.)The fact that a majority of Americans could tell you the detailed plot of the past 2 seasons of *insert your choice of horrid TV cop/hospital drama here* but few could tell you the plot of a Charles Dickens book is a travesty. Why do we lag behind other countries in education? Maybe because we’re all watching some “C List” celebs learn to ballroom dance.
SOLUTIONS:
TURN OFF YOUR TELEVISION AND READ A BOOK! Simple.
If you can’t do that, why not simply remove the television from your kitchen…there is something to be said for actual interaction between people during a shared meal.
Oh, and they make these things called “newspapers” and they are really cool. They tell you the events from all over the country so you don’t have to be there to know what’s going on. Some even cover international stories…if you need a suggestion on which has the most thorough coverage, ask Sarah Palin.
That’s all for now…tune in next time when I will happily rip the current musical landscape to shreds…I only do it because I care…and because I get some sort of sick enjoyment out of destroying peoples’ views of their favorite bands…most of which suck...
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